I dont need one, thanks.

yikes. a whole month gone by with not a single new post...guess I must have been busy! not really...I dont have an excuse...at least not one that isnt lame. not many exciting things have taken place in a month. Just stupid 6 day work weeks. Where I am confined as a prisoner for 8.5 hours..sitting in the cold...wishing I could leave for an hour and take a break....its that time of day, where the sun as at a particular point, that when a vehicle pulls up in front of the store, the sun refelcts off it, STRAIGHT into my eyes! So I have to hunch down, hiding behind the computer monitor. But then I cant see if someone comes in! a few times people have walked in and gotten all the way over to the appliances before i notice them!
Christmas is coming, and as far as I can tell, the goose is getting fat. Well, not a goose. a turkey. Ive never had goose before. I wonder what it tastes like...I have a christmas tree up. A real live one. not a pretend plastic one. This is the first real tree I have had in probably more than 15 years. I also have lights and garland in the living room and kitchen. No presents though. I have some, they just arent wrapped, as I havnt any gift wrap yet. or tape. I should buy some tape when I buy wrap.

So I saw this awesome hoody jacket at sportchek in kamloops about 5 weeks ago, but I didnt buy it because it was $89. I was back there sunday, and I saw it there still, so I decided to buy it. Then later in the day, I was at winners. and lo and behold, what do i see...the EXACT same hoody. for half the price! sheesh. So of course I buy it, and then stop back at the mall, to return the other one :) I also had to buy a gift for my sister and her husband. I was having trouble finding something, but while in future shop, I happened upon the "digital photo frame" aisle. I have always thought they were a stupid idea, and not worth buying, or even owning. When I actually took the time to look at them and check them out, they seemed pretty cool. If I got them one, they could put all their photos form their many vacations and trips on it and have it play like a slideshow! It was supposed to be a $50 gift. But the $50 ones looked like crap and were stupid brands. I found a good one for $69, a samsung. But it came in one colour...pink...what the EFF?!?! pink?!?! ugh. So i had to upgrade to the next model up, in black. but it was $99. but it has cool touch screen controls...So I spent twice what was the agreed upon limit. What are they gonna do? Sue me???

They call me Rick...

Today I realized that I dont really like my job. There is a couple of things keeping me here. One, is the pay. Which is actually quite good, and more than I would get at any other job I would have in town. The other, is...well...what other job would I have in town, if I wasnt working here? I dont want to work for $8 an hour. nor could I really survive off of $1000 a month. At least I dont have any debt.
I liked my job last year when it was busy. It is exciting selling things. Having people come in, and say "we are going to take that set over there".
Even though I dont get commission, it is still exciting. selling lots means my boss is happy and the store is safe. being slow and not selling things, makes me very bored. I would rather be busy for the better part of the day, then sitting around waiting for someone to come in. being slow and not selling things, make it a constant worry about job security. Its one thing to work your job, while not liking it, but its another to work your job while not liking it, and also worry about losing it.
Why is it so slow? is it the economy in general? are people worried, and so dont want to drop $$$ on large purchases that they dont REALLY need? is it i need a store double the size for a bigger selection???
is it because the housing market has dropped off considerably? so houses arent changing hands, and thus people arent swapping out 20 year old junk for nice new comfy stuff?
Add on to this, the boss hears that the competition did $60,000 on saturday, on their grand re-opening...so now im supposed to be "more aggressive" with customers. Is that a factor? have I not been pushy and aggressive enough??
I dont want to be pushy, because that is how the competition is. I always heard people saying they dont like going into the competition because the sales ladies always swarm them, and are so pushy. I have always been helpful, but not pushy. Everyone hated rick when we opened cuz he was pushy and aggressive. I'll greet them when the come in...I be more laid back and let the customer browse and then check on them once. if they still insist they are just browsing, or having a look, or "getting ideas" I will leave them alone. i wont go back up to them and say "so...I see you are eyeing up that sofa! ive got it on a really good deal! only one left!"
Whenever rick is here, i always hear from people about him being pushy and they didnt like that. he would rush up to them right away and swarm them as soon as they got in the store....no one likes pushy aggressive sales people. no one likes Rick. So now I have to brainstorm on ways to help sales, that dont involve being like Rick...

+22??? more like...-22

Today is october 1st. its already been a month since toronto. summer is over. and winter is upon us....i sure do hate winter. its too snowy. too cold. too icy. too long. we had our wood heat inspected. and it does not pass. and would be $3000 to bring it up to code. no wood heat for us. just gas. expensive gas. at least winter means hockey on TV...thats about the only positive. oh, and making snowmen. Im going to have a 33 snowperson family in my yard this year.

huncity is not about choice. its about here it is, you dont like it? you can suck it! there is not many options for anything. I like the town and all but sometimes its frustrating being in such a small town with so few people. sometimes i just want options. Different places to go for dinner. different places to go to have fun. different theatres, different bars. different malls. in fact ANY mall. I dont like having to drive 4 hours in a day, just to go shopping. would be nice to go to hockey games. or baseball or basketball games. Or a Food court. A selection...doesnt even have to be a large selection.. of different people to meet.. it certainly makes it harder to do anything. There are a few bright spots, however.
wednesday is game night, which is good. this year we also started having poker nights every few weeks.
and weekly dinner/games at C&M's.
spring and summer, starting this year, brought baseball which is also good. fall and winter are the re-starting of walleyball on friday nights, hopefully. but now apparently the new restaurant owners want to charge $5 a night. which is absurd. its not costing them anything to let us use the court for a few hours. if we arent in there playing, its not getting used at all. and while there, everyone buys drinks and food. sure its only $20 a month, but it all adds up. thats $20 i would have used on drinks/appies. They should be happy that everyone buys drinks/food and not charge money. bastards...
PS. pineapple express is the funniest movie I have seen since stepbrothers. it might even be funnier...im not sure...i have to watch both again to decide.

murmerings of a crazy man

another week gone...even tho I work on saturdays, the end of the week for me, is signalled by the bearded newspaper courier who brings the little free press knock off paper by friday mornings. with every friday that comes, it seems like the last week went by quicker and quicker. crappy back to work monday is gone in a snap, replaced by thank god its friday. (well, thank god its saturday, me and the street too. I sure do wish i had a real weekend every week. I dont want to ask though. I dont want to make myself seem expendable, by asking for too much. yes..I know im not asking for too much, im asking for what everyone else already gets and is legally entitled to...which includes a 1 hour lunch break and a second day off in the week...imagine getting to get out of the store and do antyhing yuo wanted for a whole hour...EVERY day?!?! Rick gets 2 days off, and a lunchbreak...
*sigh* but i worry about job security and always have the feeling in the back of my mind that i should never get too comfortable in my job, because it could change in an instant. either by them wanting to "downsize" in wages by finding someone else to do the same thing for cheaper...
or just close down completely, which i worry about too. last year was a very good year, and this year has been, in comparison except for a couple of months, horrible. supposedly according to sales reps, its been terribly slow across the province in general...so it makes me worry that maybe im not expendable, but the store is expendable. and then what else would I do? I like my job, and the freedom I have, without the financial responsibility. hundymile isnt exaclty brimming with good job opportunities. even the old fall back job, and still make decent coin, is not looking so good. (the mill) was on the verge of completely shutting down...dozens got laid off...
if the store, or myself were to become expendable...
does one move to a bigger city? go back to school?
i dont particularily want to do either of those. I like smaller towns, and i coudlnt bring myself to do 4+ more years of schooling when i was 18...how could i bring myself to do it now...
besides..I have great friends here. the friends I have now, i feel are better than I have ever had. and really, who are you without your friends?
just a lonely loser who sits at home eating kraft dinner, and doritoes and watching re-runs of married with children.

Rick the Gick

Talk about fat and gross!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes! i beat chris and mikara to posting a september post! im so awesome yay me!!!
but now, what do I write about? hmm...well i went to the fall fair on the weekend. or should i say, LAME fair. the best part was the sweet and salty kettlecorn pop corn. oh, that, and getting to see how fat the compwhisp is in person. I wrote it that way hoping that he cant find it from google, and track me down and sit on me and kill me...
other highlights included...uh...*cough* well then.
what else is happening on johns life you ask? well i had my 2 weeks paid vacation. however it wasnt paid. not yet anyways. and it wasnt 2 weeks. it was 4 days. actually it wasnt even 4 days. it was 2 days. one day was a sunday, and another was a stat holiday. talk about lame! whatever. as long as i get my big fat vacation pay check then i dont care. What will i use it on you ask? well, ill tell you. Im going to use it as a loan to myself to buy a new car. a nice black one. then i will sell my old car and use that money to pay back the loan to myself! it will go into my savings. no point using it to pay for the vacation i went on, since i already paid for that. no sense paying for it twice, amirite?
wednesday nights have quickly become one of my favorite nights of the week. Game Night! its soething ive wanted to do for a looooong time. and we usually have at least 6 people show up, usually at least 8. one time we had 12!!!

its great fun. many of the people are game noobs, but they will learn...oh yes...they will learn...and then maybe get hooked and addicted on games! and buy many of them from the street!
everyday i see a new game on "the geek" that i want! there is about 4 more still to come out in 2008 that i want. plus more that are already out.
i just got my most anticipated game since Risk 2210 6 years ago...

AGRICOLA!!! its a brand new game that has been so popular, it has been on backorder for ages! its still very hard to find, so I consider msyelf lucky that the street obtained a copy for me. there is so much in the box, it was a bit daunting at first. but after taking the game for a test run, i must say it was worth the wait and the hype was justified, as is its new #1 status on the geek.
Said new car comes home tonight from williams lake. however I only have $1.32 in my bank account now. So i cant afford to transfer the insurance/owner papers yet! double lame!!!
Last night i had the grossest perogies ever. I dont know if it was the brand, or maybe i didnt leave them in the pot long enough? but anyways, after boiling them, and then frying them in a pan, the top and bottom was liek cardboard...i haev to rip off the tops and bottoms exposing all the potatoey cheesy substance...needless to say, I threw half of them away. the corn however, was delicious. Thanks bibs.

John Johnson: Boy Scout Extraordinaire

my blogs new nickname is "john: the creepiest boyscout ever"
or something to that affect. Im not 100% sure but it was close to that. Im too lazy to press back a few times and find out for sure. so whatever.
you know what? im not creepy at all. You are just saying that because you caught me peering in your window last week....yah? so what? its not like i was spying or anything...i was just wondering what you guys were up to and the door was locked. big whoop, wanna fight about it??? and when you caught me rummaging through your garbage.....well last time i was there threw out a very important piece of paper by mistake. and I hoped that was the same garbage bag. big fat hairy deal. you dont know me! you dont know me!!!!! John Johnson is the coolest muther facker to ever grace hunny mile howse and you all know it!! admit it!! admit it betches!!!!!!!!
PS i went to the gayrlic festival and entered the garlic eating competition. i won it but then puked all over the table. then everyone else saw me puking and they started puking. like on the sandlot when they are at the carnival and chewing tobacco and going on the rides and then EVERYONE starts puking and barf is flying everyone landing on everyone. thats what happened. it was gross. I had like 30 different peoples puke on me. lots even went in my mouth. even worse, i lost the keys to my house so i coudlnt get in to shower and clean up. so i had to walk around all day in the scorching heat covered in puke that was now starting to bake in the sun.

scooters, vacation, fall

today is friday. Friday is slow.
i wish i could leave work, and go do something fun.
something fun like...uh...the beach? or...a magic tournament with the katimavik ppls...or...perhaps a nice bicycle ride. on a bike with one of those old banana seats, and the tall curved handle bars. and a basket. with my cat in it. streamers flailing off the handle cars...baseball cards in the spokes...maybe even those cool plastic multicoloured things that were popular once upon a time...a nice white straw had on my head....and a bell. cant forget that.
briskly riding through the summery breeze...forgetting about anything and everything...not a care in the world...
I would like a banana...actually i would like any fruit. except a tomato. I dont care if it has seeds. i will never eat it as a fruit.
some loser with a pony tail just walked by. he looked greasy and sleezy. and pimply. i bet he smells. i should spray him with a hose. learn how to bathe M*ther F*cker. BAM pop a cap in yo ass! thats my impression of a gangster....yo....
I have the house to myself all weekend. the 'mates are off doing fun things of which i could not attend. i will sit around alone like a little bitch and eat potato chips and toast. i dont have any other food until i go to WL to the super store. as a matter of fact, i dont even have any cheese. and i do love cheese. with crackers. on toast. on tortilla chips. on macaroni. on tacos. mmmm tacos...maybe i will buy the ingrediants to make tacos today and make them for dinner...that sounds better than toast...but how is one person supposed to eat an entire taco meal that is meant for a family???
think about that one, and get back to me.

Y SO SRS?

Cunt-eh-nir

Last night I played a lovely little game called container. no, not that type of container. Its a very thought provoking game, that really gets your inner johnny working, thinking, debating... one time i played it with chris and mikara, and after 3 hours they were madder than a moose with a banana up his bum. They were literally SO mad at each other, that they LITERALLY started strangling each other and i had to pull them apart to stop them from killing each other...LITERALLY. How much could you sell your goods for on the open market hmm? how much will frank pay for that container full of pure cut heroine? a nifty strategy i discovered last night, was to sell my containers of coconuts to frank after he purchased the heroine. He could then, in turn, hide the white powder inside the coconuts and safely transport them through customes, to the island for auction. I made a killing on this. will abigail buy my containers of tea, if i price them at $4 a piece? or is that too high? what if harold (who also sells tea) prices his at $3? he would undercut me, and get all of abigails business! that fucker! ill kill him!!! why is bruno pricing all of his freshly factory produced containers at $4, the highest possible price? will anyone buy those? no way!!! everyone else is pricing at $1, $2, $3.... fast forward 6 or 7 turns...and bam! bruno is selling his goods for $4 a pop!! (this may have been more directly related to the fact it was the heroine he was producing...if it had been coffee or oranges, he may not have been as lucky) why is lyle buying that boatload at auction for $41 ???? it cant possibly be worth that much...plus the gov't subsidy...that puts $82 muhfuggin dollas in abigails pocket! fool!!! needless to say i used my expert skills to completely annihilate the competition. I had over over $70 more dollars than my closest competitor!!! after the game they all hated me. They tied me up, and poured honey on me. Then they threw me outside on top of the giant red ant hill :( now half of my skin is eaten away. Those bastards...

Canada Day Festivities

Today is canada day, so i, john johnson, decided to make a blog post. It has been many long and grueling weeks since the last, i must confess. I truly hope you all made it by without me. Fear not faithful readers, for I am return. I have my face painted all red and white canada flag like. and im wearing red and white t shirt and shorts. with canada flags all over them. i painted my car red, and white, and spent $1200 on maple leaf decals to cover it. I also got a giant canada flag tattooed on my bum. and I ripped my shorts back there so that way everyone can see my bum...i mean my tattoo.
there is a barbecue in the park i am attending. I will eat some food probably. play some frisbee i imagine. get pushed in the creek by mean people..and almost drown. get shoved in the mud,,,then everyone will throw dog feces at me...and make me eat it.
all in all it sounds like a good time! there is more goings on at the 108 mile ranch heritage site. some fireworks. and other...stuff...canada day rocks!! the one day a year, where everyone decides its better to give than receive, and they buy gifts for everyone, and put them under large decorated trees in their living rooms.
i still need to grab some wiener for the BBQ. yay me!
bye for now
from john.

Papa Johnie's Meat Salad Recipe

Ingredients:
200g of deli sliced ham
200g of deli sliced turkey (preferably smoked)
200g of deli sliced summer sausage or beer sausage (depending on how sausage-y you want it)
500g of pepperoni or churizo sausage sliced into 5mm thick wheels
750g of ground beef, fried into rounds.
500g of cheddar cheese, chopped into small cubes
Method:Tear up deli meats to look like the leaves of deli meat's cousin lettuce. In a large salad bowl, put all of the deli meats, sausage wheels, and ground beef and toss until evenly mixed. decorate the top of the salad with cheese blocks. Serve with dressings such as Barbeque, Honey Moustard, or Sweet Chili Chipotle.

I'm making a huge batch tonight for the potluck campfire this weekend at chris and mikaras! I hope everyone will enjoy it!!

rumours are poop!

so it has come to my attention that apparently there is a rumour going around that me (john) does not really exist. and that i am actually a fictitious character created by mikara. i am writing to this post to say i am NOT mikara, i am JOHN, and i took a picture with her yesterday to prove it.
here it is. I hope this puts everyones questions to rest.

~John

I like sausage

Tonight I am going for dinner with my friends. We are going to the Cariboo Diner (or "marias" for those who are cool enough) i was invited only 10 minutes ago. Im hungry. I figured I would be even hungrier in 45 minutes time, So i accepted the offer! However, I will be leaving work at 5:15, not 5:00 like my friends are. Therefore they will be ordering before me and I will get there and order and they will already be finished eating. To remedy this (i looked in my book of home remedies) I asked them to order for me, when they ordered. that way, when i arrived, it would be ready to go. After deliberation as to what i should get, I settled on perogies. Perogies are great. Especially marias perogies. and by marias perogies, i mean the dough wrapped cheesy potatoey stuff. Not breasts, you sickos. They are fried with onions and bacon bits and other yummy things. (actually i think thats it but i wanted to talk them up and make them sound even better)
they DO however, come with ukrainian sausage. I am not ukrainian of course. But one said friend is part. she never orders the ukrainian sausage though. Mainly because it gets her drunk. (ukrainian sausage is boiled in 80% alcohol content vodka) I am immune to the effects of alcohol, so I always eat lots of it. This one time, me and my friend got a whole truckload of the sausage and had a sleepover and ate it all night. I wanted to try his sausage, but he woudlnt let me. after dinner, I will be _________(verb) my________. Then when im finished i will take all the_______(adjective) ________ (noun) I can find, and _________ (verb) them all in my _________(noun). By then i should be able to ________ (adverb)walk to the ______(place) to get my _________ (adjective) _______(noun) that I ordered.
i suck at madlibs......

home sweet home

well, after a month of being held captive, I was finally released and made it home. (yay me!) now i can get back to my normal life, i hope. I have only been back one day, and already it was eventful!
There are days when I feel uber-priviledged to live in Smalltown, Canada. Last week my friend W. and i took the doggies for a walk around the downtown core. We were ambling along Cedar Ave, swapping stories, when my spidey-sense starts tingling. I hear running coming up fast behind us. I grab onto W. (What?! I was protecting him. Always thinking of others well-being first...) And a freekin' deer bounds right by us on the other sidewalk. okay, there was no sidewalk, but if'n there was that is where the deer was.As it lept down the street it became obvious we had to avert our eyes. deer + lunch hour traffic rush = chipped bambi on toast.luckily, the ford taurus slowed the 10 rpms to a halt before the deer slid across the intersection on it's BACK!It ninja-flipped back onto it's hooves and sprang over the Dry Cleaners, towards Aspen Dr. and, hopefully, the thicket.W. and I looked at each other, laughed and went back to discussing his miraculous nose hair that forms a moustache.

Day 20...

I dont have much time to write...Im using the wireless ethernet card that the army installed in my brain. All I have to do is think in my head what i want to say and it will automatically be entered into my blog. I have bad news for everyone....Ive become a POW. thats prisoner of war, for those who do not know. Me and the rest of myrocky mountain scout ranger squad had just stepped foot onto iraqian soil, when we were all ambushed and kidnapped. now we are all tied up hanging from the ceiling of a dark wet dungeon. I still have a plan for escape though. Just as we were being ambushed, i shoved my pistol up my anal cavity..I hope soon i will be able to retreive it and go on a killing spree. Just like the swollen members song. but i must go...unfortunately. Whenever i am wirelessly connected, it causes me to fart uncontrollably, and a loud whistling noise also emits from my anus, because of the barrel of the gun....I hope the gun doesnt go off, from the farting. I dont want anyone to get suspicious, from the sounds..... Wish me luck.

Bingo!

Last night i won $4750 at bingo. I didnt keep the money though. I donated it back, so they could make bingo better for everyone!! i got lots of kisses from the old ladies. on the lips. like full on make out kisses. it was awesome. I left to walk home, and it was dark. and late. almost 9 pm. i needed to go home and get to bed, or else id be in trouble from my parents. On the way home i was attacked. (no not by sharks this time) it was by a big creepy wierdo with scraggly messy black hair. and a bushy beard with bits of grey hair in it. he smelt of marijuana and was all tweaked out. and kept mumbling something about needing his coffee. He must have been watching bingo cuz he told me to give him the money I won or else. i told him i didnt have it and donated it. he was talking really fast. he told me to stop lying and being an idiot and just give him the money. i wasnt scared because im a karate expert. so i went to karate kick and punch him, but this guy is crazy...he must have known some kind of super martial arts cuz all of a sudden i was on the ground and paralyzed and he was searching my pockets...he found the $4750...he took it and ran off screaming excitedly.
yah...so i lied..i didnt donate the money. wanna fight about it? saying i donated it was much less embarassing then saying i got beat up and had it stolen by a wierd stoned hippie. yes i know i told you about me getting beaten up and stolen...but i wasnt going to. I just started typing and accidently wrote about it....anyways.
last night was my last night at home, as this evening, i leave for iraq. for those who havnt heard, me and the rest of my rocky moutain ranger scouts, were drafted for the army to go fight in iraq. we were told we would all get the death penalty if we didnt go...so we had no choice. I sure hope I dont die...i also hope they have wireless internet in the base camps, in iraq. then i can still blog while im there! if you dont hear from me in a week...then it means i am dead...i hope everyone will be praying for me!

from John.

check this out!!!

Hey everyone im back!!!
japan was AWESOME!! heres a picture during the closing ceremonies, of me and my uncle! look how many scout badges i have now! i got 6 more on this trip. one was the swimming badge. about 5 mins after getting on the boat, i decided i wanted to swim the entire trip instead. it was long and tiring...but i did it! i swam all the way to japan, and i actually beat everyone else there, and they went by plane! it was sweet! another one was for bravery and courage. which i got cuz half way there, a pack of wild ravenous sharks and they were trying to kill a mermaid. i distracted them so she could escape. then they attacked me. the leader charged towards me and i dodged his teeth and was able to grab his gills.. i rammed my hand in which caused him to stop, then another came swimming and i grabbed teh leaders tail and beat the other one senseless with it. two more started towards me and i quickly darted upwards and they rammed into each other knocking them unconscious. the 5th one was next...i struck my fist into his flesh and pulled out his heart...by this time i was so starving so i took one of the sharks and made him float on the top of teh water. i used a mix of chemicals and enzymes from inside it, to create a thermal reaction that produced a fire. i cooked the sharks heart and ate it. it was delicious. then i continued on my swim trip! all total it took about 4 hours by swimming. i got there and was sooooo tired. i found the hotel we were staying in, and unpakced all my things. were miraculously managed to stay dry from the swim. i was going to have a nap, but something wasnt sitting right...the shark heart i ate was doing a number on my colon! i was going to have explosive diarrhea. so i quickly stripped off my clothes and started jumping across the beds to get to the bathroom. but i couldnt last long enough and i started diarrhea-ing on everyones beds as i jumped across them. luckily i missed my own bed though. so i grabbed everyones pillows and used them to cover it up on their beds. and the best part... no one even noticed the whole trip. some questioned why the room smelt so bad and i told them it was just cuz japan smelt like poo and it was normal. all wasnt fun and games though...they all contracted hepatitis...and had to be hospitalized...they are actually all still in the hospotal in japan, and are excpetd to be there for about a year...OOOPS!!! my bad! the rest of the trip was fun. even though i was alone. i hooked up with some japanese transvesite hookers, and they showed me a good time. they love me long time now. one of the new badges was for eating more than anyone! i went in a sushi eating contest with sumo wrestlersi also developed a fetish for japanese anime and manga...so now that im back im going to go into the new store i found in town, where i met chris and mikara, and buy some. i think they sell it there. i cant wait!! they told me im the "new axel" and that i can get a job there soon. it will be awesome.

bbye for now.

love john

On the road again!

hello everyone,
John back with another blog post! I know you all probably can't contain your excitement to get into the reading, but please remain calm! First, big news!!! Im leaving for japan tomorrow!! its a trip sponsored by the rocky mountain rangers that Im a part of. We get to go to japan and see lots of neat things, and try on japanese garbs and dance around in circles holding hands. Thats one of the things im most looking forward to. Also, we will be having a traditional japanese campout. Where we build a japanese house, and then burn it down and then paint our naked bodies with Elephant blood (elephants are as common as dogs, in japan) and then sleep around it while it burns. And instead of roasting marshmellows, you roast california rolls. it should be tons of fun!
And since i said i was never going to set foot on a plane again, i have to go by boat. everyone else is flying, so it will take me like an extra week to get there than everyone else. hopefully they dont leave japan before i get there. that would be no fun! they promised they wouldnt..but they always play tricks on me...like last week..they drugged me with chloroform, so i passed out. then they took off my clothes and tied me up, and hung me from the ceiling, and took pictures of them putting things like bananas, and hot dogs, and flutes, in my anus :(:(:(
One time too, they got me really drunk. i thought i was just drinking water. but it was vodka. and i got sooo wasted, and started making out with the old wrinkly moustached mail man... boy did I feel stupid.
anyways, i have to finish packing! got a long trip ahead of me! bye for now! from John

Im so cool!

Hello Everyone.
John here. As im sure all of you know, i just got back from Peru. and i must say it was fantastic! i visited the great wall. and i got to see stonehendge. How amazing! The only troubles i encountered on the trip was the flight home. First, a suicidal kamikaze single mother of 7 went crazy and held the plane hostage with her plastic butter knife...we were all so afraid for our lives...I actually thought i was going to die. Luckily for everyone else on the plane, i was brave enough to tackle her and get the knife away from her. Tragedy avoided! So back to the normal safe flight home I thought. But no. All of a sudden, while flying over the pacific ocean, the pilot passed out. and the plane started a nose dive. WE"RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!! i was screaming. So was everyone else. Then the co pilot took over and righted the plane and we were saved! wow, 2 near death experiences in one flight. thats the last time i ever get on a plane!
but alas...we werent out of trouble yet..the co pilot passed out! maybe for hte same reason as the pilot. once again we were plumbetting to the ocean...and i remembered i was a pilot. so i went into the cockpit, took control of the steering wheel, and saved the day again!! yay me!!! :D
so there we were safe and sound. when the steering wheel broke! and we went sailing into the ocean! unfortunately for me i cant swim. so im panicking. people are screaming. we are completely under water. i get my bearings and i kick out the front window of the plane and swim to safety. no one else has surfaced yet...so i have to swim back to the plane and rescue everyone. i dont know how i managed to swim despite not knowing how to..but i did. i was a hero! i saved everyones lives. i blew up rubber rafts and everyone and we floated back to the mainland. we ended up floating past vancouver island. so i stopped and visited my aunt and uncle in victoria over night. then i went back to the rubber rafts, where everyone was waiting for me, and continued to vancouver. we docked out boats and then all went out for dinner and the keg. it was very delicious. then i found a car and drove home! and now im here and bored..back to the normal life i guess...